thoughts of the past

As the holidays get closer i realize just how much i miss from my past. My Grandmother and Uncle have been in my thoughts alot lately. I wonder how things would be if they were still around, my grandmother would have been such a wonderfull great g-ma, and the thoughts of wondering and hoping that they are both togther in heaven but so unsure it leaves me mixed up on my thoughts of suicide, i use to think that regardless you go to hell if you kill yourself but now i hope with all my might that you get another chance. and wanting anwsers i have still never gotten WHY WHY WHY. and knowing that no one really knows how i feel and the one person i can talk to about anything is so far away. why it is bringing up so many feelings for me lately i dont know, it has been almost 6 years since his passing and 13 for my grandmother I'm just glad that I still see there faces and remeber all the good that they both did. The are is still so much she had to teach me, but im glad that i got what i did and i know i poses so many of her traits and her beautiful hair and eyes! and i hope some of her southern hospitality. I really wish i remembered my grandfather better and hope tht my kids get enough time with there aunts and uncles and grandparents to remember them when they go.

and then of course my frineds, my nearest and dearest friend live in another state, and although we are still close and i know i can share everything with her i of course wish we lived closer to each other so we could share in each others lives every day. I dont think i will ever have another friend like her! I would go to the end of the earth for her, and who says your one great love has to be a man? why cant it be your best friend? (thats her in the pic with me).