Thoughts and feelings

So ive decide this week that i do way to many things, today james and i talked about what it is i am going to be giving up to make life a little easier for me for awhile. it will most likely be my moms group. I have met some wonderfull Ladies and had some great times but with so many other great groups out there and most of my members also members of these i just dont see the need anymore, I will keep my forum and probably transfer the group to a yahoo group where its free...
I never would have thought that having another baby would be so much work but boy is it and boy am i tired! these late nights till after midnight then up at 6 are starting to really take its toll and my family is paying the price and i dont want to be the mom who is always out the door as soon as dad gets home or who is constantly going and cant stay home i mean for heavens sake kids need to be home and need to have there down time and taking them out when they are to tired is only setting them up for failure, yes they need to be out but in moderation! I want to be the best mom that i can be and part of doing that is knowing my limits.. AND boy do i long for the days of feeling beautiful and put together and the days when my Sig other told me or looked at me like there was no other woman in the world more beautiful to him, Im not perfect i know that but come on Ive had 5 kids!
and to top it all off my own father hates me.. Im not my brother who at 22 cant keep a job or my sister who at 34 is a drug addict and probably wont live much longer (although im surprised she made It to 30) but a 31 yo mom who went from a 17to high school drop out to have a baby to a navy wife raising 2 kids, to a single mom and someone who has been places most never emotionally recover from and could not fathom going to a mom of 5 kids who after 3 went to college and while pregnant continued and graduated! my biggest accomplishment yet and he never once said he was proud, I will never forget how he acted as if was a burden to show up at my grad ceremony. and then the last straw sunday he actually called me a looser.. LOOK IN THE FUCKIN MIRROR ASSHOLE (ah that felt good) no one will truly ever understand where ive been and what it took to pull myself up from that black hole and how much it takes not to go back there again.. and if the day could get any worse... need some major work on the suburban breaks and something else and cant drive it till its fixed and i bought a much needed new notebook today and its not working so i have to go try and excahange it for one that does work tomorrow. anyways enough from me for one day.