its been awhile

since i have posted a blog on here so i thought i would go ahead since i have alot on my mind and i cant sleep.
what do i have to talk about.. how about post partum depression (ppd) well i thought in may i reached the bottom, but i didn't. i knew something was wrong, i knew i have a hard time with mothers day so i should have been prepared right? yeah good in theory but hard to do when it comes down to the day. most often day went well, i was depressed in church but it seemed to get worse as the day went on. James told me how much he hated me, i was already feeling horrible from my mothers day blues. anyone who has lost a child know how i felt on mothers day. but by 4pm i had had enough. fast forward 3 months. i was feeling overwhelmed, sad and at the end of my rope. my dr asked me if everything was okay, he said he thought i had ppd ( no really) i had been telling him that since i gave birth but hey i guess i dont know what i am talking about right i mean i am only just a regular person not a doctor. but i defiantly hit rock bottom labor day weekend. I'm dealing with all life's shit better Ive unloaded my plate by a ton i do have some more to do but how unloaded can it get when you run 2 businesses, home school, go to cub scouts,boy scouts, girl scouts, have 5 kids, a dog a cat and a dad with cancer... alright I'm being yelled at for not being in bed it is 4:23 and I'm been up doing nothing on the computer but trying to wear myself out since 11:30.. to many thoughts. especially since i recently got an email from someone from my past and i have alot to say alot i want to know alot i want answers to but i know how i can be emotional so i am not asking them, oh believe me i wrote an entire email, but then i deleted it and wrote back a few words. in time i will get the answers that i want and need. alright kids will be up in about 3 hours so i had better at least get that much sleep.

Sunday I wanted to Die

hello, well some of you know that i lead a pretty busy life. sometimes alot busier than I really want to. well i have been heading down this spiral of depression for sometime now and i finally hit bottom. I want to thank all of my friend who noticed that something was not quiet right with me, even the friends who i dont talk to that much. Most of you know how much i HATE mothers day and why. Im about to be 100% totally honest with you all so if you choose to not like me because i am a human being then thats fine.

Sunday I wanted to die, i mean really die. I knwo its not the anwser and i've seen first hand what it can do but i still wanted to die.

Deprssion hits you and you may not even realize it, you think tomorrow will be better, tomorrow i will be happier, tomorrow i will like how i look, tomorrow i will feel like cleaning the house or putting the laundry away, tomorrow i will like my kids, tomorrow i will actually feel loved ( even if i know i am). every day after that is still tomorrow and it does not get better by itself, it just keeps getting worse. and when you surround yourself with dysfunctional people ( if you think i am talking about you then i probably am) then all you become is dysfunctional to, they bring you down to there level and as i recently heard it stated rot your brain with there complaints.. okay yes as your friend i am supose to listen with an open heart and be there for you when you need me but come .. awhile of the same shit and people not listening to crap you say then why ask me, REALLY.

now everyone knows ive got my own shit on my plate and i really dont have time for yours, i have a few commitments that i can not get out of or really dont want to so i will keep doing them but as for all the other things that can work without me, then off they will go.

so as far as the smile on my face im sure you wont see it for awhile or at least one that is real, so when you ask me how i am and i tell you fine just know i am probably lying, im not fine and i havent been for a long time. thanks to those who have noticed and to the rest that i see or talk to almost every day SCREW YOU...

there you have it im human and have flaws, if you dont like it kiss my ass.

whats going on

well for those who read this, ive been working on my website and have made a few changes. I no longer own Sprinkled With Granola its supper official! but we have moved on with a new venture at www.greenmammas.com a shared journey of several great minds I am making baby slings and such and can not wait to get my first batch finished and listed for sale!!

marsupial mammas (my original site) will be back up soon and i am getting really excited about that, he web masetr is hard at work on it.

let me tell you about green mammas; just about all the products currently listed are made by work at home moms (wahms) so when you make a purchase you are stimulating your local economy.

we are looking into having a booth at the local farmers market but of course we will have have to have a considerable amount of items premade.

Things are going great and as spring starts acting like spring and summer gets nearer they only get better!

I spent the weekend on the astoria/seaside coast of oregon and will post some pictures to when i get the camera out of the car!! not alot of me though since i was doing the picture taking.

ttyl

Spring Snow

well we all know that here in washington we have crazy weather but come on snow in spring!!! i woke up to white this morning and then it started raining, most of it went away but now its back to snowing! the weather around here is literally changing by the minute.

crazy days

Ever wonder what my days are filled with, here you go... went to bed at 2am, sarah got up to eat at about 7 so i fed her she went back to sleep. i thought i would get a few more minutes of sleep before jake and marian woke up. 9am sarah woke up. jake and marian were alrady up watching tv and eating some yummy fruit, unfortunatly that meant smooshing strawberries on the floor AHHH!
Cleaned up that mess had breakfast, got everyone dressed (but me) now its 11am, sarah is tired so down for a nap she went. I folded some laundry but getting it put away is another thing! 12 jake and marian driving me crazy running around like maniacs! 12:30 we start to make lunch, they want raviolies. okay i admit i like them to!
Now here it is 1pm everyone is done eating, ive got to get jake working on some school work. sarah is still sleeping, marian is tired. i might be able to get her to have a nap for an hour or so. jacob is walking in circles talking about some barbie thing he saw on tv that he wants, dang it i hear the toilet flush AGAIN.....
later we will have dinner probably about 5pm. at 6:30 i will be leaving to go to a homeless feed that is as long as this head ache goes away. if not i have a book to finish reading and some knitting to catch up on. I'd really just like to sit and relax tonight so i will probably do that instead. i just looked at my finger nails and realized that i need to get polish remover. maybe tonight i will get in bed by 10, but i doubt it. then tomorrow all of it will start over again.

yep pretty great day huh.

Jacob and mommy




My new short hair! ( 10.5 inches shorter)



Sarah managed to get up the stairs


Sarah eating one of her 1st non milk meals.

sometimes you just have to wonder

what you are supose to be doing with your life. I have almost everything i want and really i do say almost. I have a nice house, 2 running cars an RV great kids and a wonderfull church family. I guess i should be happy with what the lord has provided me but sometimes i have to wonder what does he have in store for me next. I love my kids and I love my job, I love the Lord but sometime i wish i just had someone who felt the same way about all of those things as me. What is it with life that always leaves us wanting more.
Tomorrow is Easter and once again i have no special plans to do anything on such an important day for everyone especially christians.

well enough thinking for now!